Dear Lowdown:
Should parents shelter their children from unhappiness? And to what extent should adults nurture or let them be (let nature take its course)? Why?
- Alisa Amorntheerakul (Chicago)
Dear Alisa,
It sounds like you are asking about over protective parents and luckily, I'm just the girl to ask. I have suffered from O.P.S, overprotective parents syndrome, my whole life. Sometimes, well actually most of the time, it's horrible. However, having overprotective parents does have its benefits. I have recognized this and I am at peace with it. In order for you or someone who has over protective parents to be at peace with it, you first have to understand why your parents are overprotective.
In my previous experiences, I have often felt that my parents are being overprotective just so they can ruin my life. Now, you and I both know that isn't true (well, I hope it isn't), but we're teenagers and that's how we usually respond when we don't get what we want. However, once I'm done being the moody teenager that’s mad that they aren't getting their way, I realize that my parents are only being over protective because they are trying to protect me (duh!). They love me and they think that they are protecting me from danger. Whether or not I agree that what they are protecting me from is dangerous is another story, but I have realized that they are trying to do what they think is best for me.
There are times when their over protectiveness is a little absurd. Such as, not letting me go to the Taste of Chicago one afternoon because I could lose my purse or get mugged. We live in Chicago. That can happen any time of day, year round. Or not letting me go to the mall with my friends because something could happen to me (but they allow me to ride the red line by myself). These are situations when their over protectiveness is bittersweet.
The previously mentioned situations are the types of things you can try to negotiate with your parents. I say that these situations are bittersweet because on the downside, it takes a lot more effort to get what you want. However, because it takes so much effort, you become better at organizing main points and you become a better debater because of it. But, when doing so you must be careful with your approach. You don't want to start whining, or yelling. Those are big no nos. Try to have a civilized conversation with them. Communication is key. You want to approach them respectfully. Explain to them that you understand where they are coming from. This shows that you listened to them and understand why they said what they said. Next you should calmly explain why you should be able to do xyz. By following these steps, you would be showing your parents that you can be mature. If you act like an adult, they are more likely to treat you like an adult.
There are instances when the over protective parents are beneficial. Let’s say there is a party that you really want to go to but your parents tell you “no”. You are upset and at home the night of the party and the following school day, you find out that the cops showed up and everyone got arrested. Since you weren’t there, you weren’t arrested and you still have a squeaky clean record. Another time that your over protective parents could be beneficial is when you don’t want to do something. If a friend is begging you to go somewhere and you don’t want to go, you can simply say “Sorry, I can’t. You know my parents.” Your friend will believe you easily because your parents actually are over protective.
In some instances, there are decisions that your parents may make that are non-negotiable, such as not allowing you to go on a week long trip to Rome, Italy. If you have tried everything that was previously mentioned and the answer was still no, there really isn’t anything more you can do to change their mind. However, there are things you can do to make the situation better. For the big things you want but don’t get, there is a two day moping period. However, the condition of the moping is that it must be done in private. Doing it outwardly and obnoxiously makes you look less mature. This could ruin your credibility and future chances of getting what you want.
Another way to handle not getting the non- negotiable is to look on the bright-side. Think about the pros of not doing the thing you wanted to do. You don’t have to buy an expensive plane ticket. You can use the money from the plane ticket to buy that new camera you have been wanting for a while. Or you can go on a shopping spree. You can finish that art project you have working on for so long. By regaining that one week, the possibilities are endless.
So Alisa, to answer your question, we can't change who are parents or what they do. However, we can make what seems like and unfair, unbearable situation better. With the power of negotiation and positive thinking you can make having over protective parents manageable.
Sincerely,
Kutah Sillah
This post struck very close to home for me. It is difficult to be a parent, to be fair, to protect my child from harm, while at the same time giving him enough freedom to live, make mistakes, and learn from them.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing a parent would not do to protect their child, and a parent never wants to see their child hurt, in pain, or in a situation that can be harmful to them. It is hard to watch your child grow up. It is hard to let go, even when that is what is best in the long run for the child.
The world is very different today than when I was a teenager, and as a parent, I fear what I do not understand. This fear is manifested in sometimes being overprotective, or as you may view it, unreasonable. You may even be right. But fear is a powerful thing.
I liked that you talked about communication. It is important that you listen and understand why I make the decisions that I do. Not that you have to agree with them, but acknowledge my reasons. I have them because I care about you. I should also ask you for your thoughts, and maybe ask you questions like, have you thought about this, or what might be something that could happen if you did this. I should do this, but it is hard sometimes, to listen when I am afraid.
As a parent, I am responsible for you and your actions until you are legally an adult, which means I bear the responsibility and cost of what you do, and as long as I am on the hook for what you do, I want to have a say in what you can and cannot do, because what you do affects me. Things that can change your life, also change mine.
Let's agree that there is a middle ground, but that we will both get it wrong sometimes. That is also the job of a parent and a child, to work together to set limits that are appropriate for your age and experience.
An remember that the most important reason I want to protect you, or over-protect you, is because I love you, and only want the best for you, and never see you come to harm or have pain. But I get it wrong sometimes. And if you think it is unfair, I will leave you with the advice my parents gave me, "wait till you have kids of your own some day, then you will understand."
Judy Brennan